The MomGate MG1

What matters is YOUR perception of size.  

I have been wanting to make this post for a couple days now.  Mainly since I have made a revelation.  Society and other people have no right to dictate to me how I should look, what I should weigh and how I should feel about my own body.  Lately I have been following a blog that is called Dances with Fat.  And it is really helping me realize that I shouldn't feel embarressed by my size.

I will be blunt - according to society in the US I am obese.  I am 5 foot 11, weigh over 250.  My doctor tells me that my weight will have me with all sorts of horrible deadly medical conditions.  But let me share something with you.

I have given birth to two healthy children.  My body shows the battle scars from these two HEROIC pregnancies.  I breastfed exclusively both children for a combined total of 3 years.  My breasts show the scars from that.  Should I be ashamed that I have a pooch?  Should I be ashamed that my breasts sag?  According to popular culture, yes I should be so embarressed I will pay for plastic surgery, or for diet pills or diet plans.  I have decided that I am proud of my body, I am proud of my battle scars.  And if you don't like it random person on the street... that is YOUR problem not mine.


I used to be a severe atshmatic, and that was back when I was 'acceptable' and not considered a 'plus size woman.'   After I was pregnant with Gabe - my athsma improved dramatically.  In fact I rarely use my rescue inhaler, something that I used to use a few times a day on top of plenty of controller meds.   Also used to have severe heartburn and migraines.  Well the migraines I still get but that is from a health problem that is completely unrelated to my weight.  (Lattice Degeneration in my eyes)

Now yes I know weight can have a negative impact on our health.  I do want to point out, that I walk every day, and I chase two children under 4 all over the place.  Now that summer is here I usually get a good leg workout in the pool pushing said kids around in their floaties.  My dinner plate has more fruits and vegetables then grains and protein.  And yet I cannot lose any weight. 

Yes my biggest vice right now is Pop... I am working on cutting that out but during the summer I just love the fizz so much, I am working on it!  My husband comments I eat a lot of crap.  I admit I do eat junk food, but just as often I will be munching on veggies and fruits.  Soon as I get this icky tooth pulled I can go back to my favorite carrots.  When I cook I generally cook healthy, very little fat, no salt, plenty of fresh veggies etc.  After all I am a mom who wants to see her kids healthy!

I used to obsess over my weight... I'd go into cycles when I was depressed about it, I'd dress in the baggiest clothes I had or even not bother to get dressed at all and just sit in my PJs.  No longer.  My blood pressure is low even for a 'healthy thin person.'  I haven't had the weekly athsma attacks in quite a long time.  The athsma is still there, just not running my life.   I have plenty of energy, most of the time, I am strong from carrying my kids and lugging around car seats/groceries.

Why should I punish myself for my body doing what it was designed to do.  My 'fat' thighs walk me where I want to go.  My 'big ass' lets me sit down so I can cuddle my kids.  My 'saggy' breasts fed my two kids and now make wonderful pillows for my husband and the kids.  If clothes don't fit, it isn't my body's fault, it is the style or cut of the clothes. 

You can keep your anerixic thin bodies society.  I am a woman.  I am proud of what my body accomplishes in the past and on a daily basis.  I plan on taking care of it, and honestly starving myself, taking weight loss pills, obsessing over wearing a size 0 or comparing myself to other people is not in my best interest or the interest of my wonderful body. 

When and if my body develops health concerns that are directly correlated to my weight that is a hurdle I will jump when I get there.  I am who I am now.  If you have a problem with that, then maybe YOU should rethink your stance.

OKay this is going to be a full on mommy rant because I honestly need to get it out of my system before I explode. 

My son Gabriel has NEVER been a good sleeper.  From day 1 he hated to sleep.  Luckily Caitlynn is a good sleeper but that is another post...

Well ever since the kids got Rotavirus, Shawn took pity on Gabe and let him sleep in our room.  I warned him it was a baaaaaaaad idea.  Granted it did make it easier to deal with the diahreah before it exploded all over the sheets, Gugs, floor.  Believe me cleaning THAT up at 2am sucks as well.  And during that period of a week when he was sick, he mastered the poop on the potty thing.  Which is a good thing... however, we STILL cannot get him out of our bedroom. 

"Oh just let him cry it out in his room" you say... um yeah... if anyone heard my moans back when Gabe was an infant you'd know that he can seriously cry for 4+ hours straight, projectile vomitting all the way.  And that right now just get Caitlynn all riled up and then SHE can't sleep either... I told Shawn this was his monster and he had to deal with it... but obviously, he would rather bitch about getting no sleep then helping me retrain Gabe how to sleep in his room.

"It's a phase, he'll grow out of it" you say... he has NEVER wanted to sleep, either alone or with someone.

"You're just exaggerating" says the pediatrician.  Yes, I am exaggerating that my son sleeps approximately 5 hours a night, no naps, and very little 'down' time during the day.  I am being completely honest.  We follow the same bedtime routine every. single. night.  The kids pretty much say they are ready for it and we have offered Gabe the option to stay up, he wants to go upstairs.  Thats when the REAL problems begin.  7pm Gabe says 'Night Night' and curls up on the dog bed on the floor in our bedroom. (don't get me started about THAT one) I hear giggling and laughing coming from the bedroom.  Okay thats fine, he is playing with his toys and Ben.  Then I hear the thuds, bangs and occasionally barks.  Go in there and try to discipline him.  Often I go in there to see an entire box of tissues shredded, or a book destroyed, or last night, he slept in a big pile of his pullups.  He falls asleep around 11pm and then 5am he is back up full force, after his 2-3am brief period of wakefullness.

This past week has been so bad, his eyes are completely sunken in and bloodshot, he can't run in a straight line from being tired and STILL he fights it.  Even when I try to go to bed with him I can't.  He will just constantly babble right in my ear, thrash around and then keep going.  Seriously, when I am feeling ill I cannot even go to sleep early because he will sit there and keep me awake.  I am literally at wit's end.

Maybe I should consider seeing if Ama and Gaggee will take Caitlynn for a couple nights and days next week while we once again deal with 4+ hours of nonstop tantrums from Gabe at bedtime.  Or maybe I should just give in and put a TV in his bedroom so he can fall asleep to that... because sad to say it, when the TV worked in the master bedroom it wasn't this bad.  Turn on PBS Sprout and while he didnt always fall asleep quickly, at least he wasn't destructive.

::beats head into the desk:: As I write this, I am one solid mass of pain.  I was pretty much on my feet all day running Gabe into the ground to hopefully exhaust him enough that he'd sleep tonight.  You see, we are supposed to be going to a Memorial Day party on Sunday... and while I REALLY want to go, if Gabe is acting like he is right now... it would be an embarressment to take him anywhere.

::crosses fingers that this gets better soon:: I think I am gunna go crank up my music really loud so I cannot hear Gabe, he knows to just go to the potty if he has to go (although he apparently would much rather have us bring him just in case he needs the BigE potty to poo) or at least tell us. 

Alright, so I am going to admit something that everyone knows already. I am addicted to World of Warcraft. No surprise. However, I get addicted to things like this and then my interest wanes and move on to something else. Funny thing is, computer games are the only addiction people make a fuss about with me.

In highschool I got addicted to my pysanky. And I do mean addicted. I spent every free moment hunched over an egg, burning my fingers, getting wax on everything. Heck my hands were permanently stained for months from handling all the hot dyes. No one thought that was unhealthy.

In College(and this still happens on occasion...) I got readdicted to my store of books. I pretty much didnt leave my dorm room except for classes and a random meal or two while I sat and read and reread books over and over. Put it this way, in my recollection, I have read the Children of the Earth Series (minus the last book which is a more recent publication) 5 times. THose are no skinny mini books. But I have also read Tamora Pierce's novels at least 10 times (Granted those are quick reads that I started reading back in Jr High) Mercedes Lackey - I have read her entire Valdamer series twice, with reading certain triolgy multiple times. The books I am currently chewing through, E.E. Knight's Age of Fire series... well this is the 4th time through them. Dont even get me started on Anne McCaffery's series which is waiting to be reread once I recollect all the books from my parents...

Needless to say, I go through phases, and as any of my Highschool and College friends know, I randomly drop off the face of the earth for months at a time. I get caught up in my addictions and once the novelty has worn off... or I remember myself, I come back often chagrined. I dont do this on purpose for the most part, but I lead a very solitary life outside my kids. and honestly, my WoW Addiction stems mainly from being incredibly lonely.

I do not make friends in the real world easily. I've been hurt so many times by friends that I tend to shy away from really opening up, because honestly, once I decide you are friend, I will fight tooth and nail for you. Even now I still get burned by friends and I still take it very personal. The thing is, on WoW I have quite a few people I call friends. Yes some of them haveburned me, but it doesnt feel as painful for the most part. But online I know there are people who really care about me. WoW is my only true social outlet. And I dont even pay for it... at least not for a couple more months.

See last year for Christmas, a pair of very dear friends sent me a years subscription. They know how tight our money situation is, and didnt want to see me give WoW up after Caitlynn was born. So I savor every moment. Am I addicted? Yes I am. There is no denying it, but I am addicted to having people ask about me, talk to me, be concerned for my welfare. I am addicted to being a shoulder for these virtual friends, to give them advice, or even just a friendly ear to listen. Apparently this is a crime. Should I spend less time online, probably. Yet the majority of my time is spent in the evening and night.

I am an insomniac. I rarely get a lot of sleep even if I try to go to bed early. I lay in bed for hours and hours... and I hate being idle. So I play on the computer. Of course with Dragon's Age coming out, I am sure I will spend more and more time on that. When Shawn isn't playing it that is. I bought the game as an early birthday present to myself, but I have to share it with my husband who is as easily addicted to games as I am. Granted, he doesnt see his addiction as the problem mine is... Pot, meet kettle.

alright... here is a mommyhood rant. S

Shawn has been working late the past week (late meaning he gets home after noon =p) and his usual routine is to come home and give the kidlets their bath before naptime. Granted usually we go upstairs at noon because Caitlynn is demanding a nap, Gabe isnt quite there yet but I cant leave him unattended while I put his sister down for a nap. Shawn gets home and gets Gabe out of his room for a bath (just in case he poops which he has been lately) and then tries to convince the kid to go to sleep. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesnt.

Well today... for the first time in months he walks into the bedroom, strips, and then walks out to start the bathwater. But he drops his pants on the floor with all his change/keys/wallet etc in his pockets onto hardwood. So it makes a noise. Cait's eyes pop open and hey look at that, no more nap. Granted I am not feeling 100% and I really could have used some extra sleep. On top of that, he WAKES GABE UP to give him a bath. You NEVER wake Gabe up if you can help it... he is worse when you wake him up then when he doesnt sleep at all.

And of course Gabe will not go back to sleep. So now I have two wicked crabby kids and Shawn has shut the bedroom door and is taking HIS nap. SOmetimes I really think he does this on purpose ><

And to make matters worse, my farking social worker hasnt emptied her inbox in 3 days and I REALLY need to get intouch with her. Not a big surprise considering it took me 3 months to get in touch with her LAST time, but at least I could leave a message on her voicemail. So I am having one helluva shitty day.

On the plus side, Dragon's Age: Origins is awesome. More about that later =)

It has been a rough week (again... yeah eventually things will get better!) Thursday of last week Gabe was up all night with explosive diahreah... not fun... but then when I went to get him up for the day, he had puked all over the floor in his room. He was so upset and was trying to clean it up with baby wipes. I assured him it was okay, he didnt mean to and plopped him in for a nice warm bath. He was tired but no fever so I figured I'd just keep him hydrated... and then while watching TV with him and cuddling, he projectiled all over me. And it was red, granted I had given him a popsicle, but it was still freaking me out. I called up my mum and then called up the PEd. I would have rushed him to the ER if my car was working (stupid battery) but without insurance that woulda been pricey. The Ped. knowing my insurance dilemma atm told me to wait it out, keep him hydrated and watch for any other symptoms. Luckily he recovered quickly, must have been either a 24hour bug, or he was drinking bath water again.

Scary! No one likes to see their kids sick, but even less when you are currently in the process of fighting for health insurance.

Well to make my day even better (sarcasm inserted here) Thursday night I slipped in the family room (Shawn neglected to tell methat Gabe spilt his water on the floor, he says my falling was 'karma' for giving Gabe a bigboy cup... yeah great husband eh?) and landed on my knee. Unfortunatly one's knee isnt supposed to bend the way it bent. Sheer and utter agony. Luckily no deformation and only a little swelling but omg the pain. And since we dont have insurance... cant even get that checked out.

Friday Shawn comes home from work throwing up... so I guess he caught Gabe's stomach virus. Yay. He was too sick to help me take care of the kids, so crippled me had to try and do everything once his mother left. I called her at 8:30am to help me out, she arrived at 12:30pm but at least she helped right? Getting the kids up and down the stairs made me cry from the pain, I STILL have to scoot on my butt to get down.

Saturday we were planning on going out with our friends, and Shawn was intent on going even with a sour stomach. I thought, oh boy I get to drink tonight since it hurts to drive and Shawn has a sour stomach. Boy was I wrong. Not only did Shawn get royally angry at me when I asked him to drive, he pretty much ignored me the whole night. Good thing Marcel came along so I had SOMEONE to talk to =p and Marc is always good for giving me attention when Shawn ignores me. So Shawn had two scorpion bowls, and I had a sip of Marc's beer. Joy. I could have used the alcohol to take the edge off the pain. Didnt help that a gaggle of kids decided to pole vault my bad knee in the crowded waiting area of the resteraunt.

Sunday, a VERY cold VERY rainy and windy day. We were supposed to go Punkin picking with the folks we went out to dinner with, including kids this time. Shawn decided he was going to be in a foul mood and snap at me constantly all morning. Hey I agree I am a slob and I am not a very good housekeeper, but I was vacuuming every day last week, even when I couldnt walk. So if he wants to get pissed at me for the mess in the house, he should see it if I didnt do ANYTHING to try and pick up after the kids. But no, I cant appease him when it comes to cleanliness.

So we left him at home and I packed up the kids, gimpy as I was, all bundled up for the cold. Picked out two punkins as fast as we possibly could and then went out for lunch. Gabe had a great time playing with Sherri and Jed's two sons, but especially Michael. Gabe just LOVES Michael. And of course Cait was a little angel... as long as we kept the pizza crusts coming. I had to take away her sippy to tighten the lid and BOY was she angry about that!

Now last night Cait was up at 1:30am wanting to play... and when I took her downstairs so Shawn could get some sleep, even tho I went to bed early and he did not, I somehow managed to twist my just starting to feel better knee. Oh my goodness, my vision went white. So today I am back to how I felt on Friday, I have a bunch of laundry that needs to be done and I KNOW I cant make it up and down the stairs with a laundry basket. Oh happy day, and if I ask Shawn to help me I am going to get an attitude since he is still pissy from this weekend.

Another day in Paradise >.<

Well I am going to rant right now... because goodness knows I REALLY need to... And please don't judge me =p

Alright, so Shawn doesnt get healthcare through his work, because to cover all of us would actually take up about 1/3 - 1/2 of his paycheck every week. We simply cannot afford that. Luckily, the State of Connecticut offers a health insurance for low income families like ours. Husky A. We've been on Husky since I was pregnant with Gabe. And I have filled out the forms, sent in the paystubs and kept it up to date.

Well in April, apparently we were sent a redetermination form. I never laid eyes on this. One of three things could have happened, Shawn opened the mail and since it wasnt a bill threw it out( My favorite), It never got delivered, I got it but filed it away. Sure that IS a possibility, but when it comes to the healthcare why would I suddenly NOT fill out a form after I'd been filling out the forms and sending the stuff in for the past 2 1/2 years. So I get a letter saying our healthcare will be terminated unless I send it in.

Okay... so I call up my worker. Voicemail. Typical. Okay so I leave a message asking for a new form. A week goes by. I call up again. Voicemail. Leave another message saying I NEED that form or I am going to lose my Husky. Get a letter in the mail saying I have 10 days before it is terminated so I log on the website, print out the referral form, fill it out and send it in.

about 2 weeks later (all the while I am STILL trying to get ahold of the worker) I get a letter in the mail saying I am denied for Husky B because I am already enrolled in Husky A. Now I am just confused. I never applied for Husky B. Okay fine, I call up the worker again to ask about this, leave more messages.

FINALLY today I get ahold of the worker. And she confirms my Husky was discontinued in JUNE. I've been trying to get ahold of her since late April. Filled out every form that was sent to me and didnt get ANY of the answers I asked for. So I am fully frustrated because I already have the Child Welfare breathing down my neck because I can't afford to get vaccinations for my kids right now. They will get them, when I either get the money or get my healthcare reinstated.

While I admit not sending in the FIRST packet is my fault, I have been trying and trying and trying to get ahold of SOMEONE to help me. So back to the drawing board I have to reapply from scratch and of course fight tooth and nail because current paycheck stubs, they base eligibility off a month of pay, is going to imply we make more then we do for a year. What they fail to realize is Shawn works on COMMISSION. And the first two weeks of school really increase his pay, then it goes back down to normal.

So yes I am frustrated, irritated and ready to call the State Department and tell them if their workers can't help the people on the current case load then maybe they need to consider opening more positions, because trying every other day for 2 months and not having ANY help is unacceptable.

Alright... this is going to be a flat out rant. Because this seems to happen all the time to me as well as my friends.

So I go out of my way to help someone, work my arse off to help. Turn my back for a minute and a dagger goes flying into it. Person I am helping turns his/her back on me, sometimes quietly other times in very very nasty ways, and moves on thinking that throughtheir own stamina, their own willpower and work is what got them through it.

People around me snicker behind my back or embrace the person and then start to help them out. When I grumble about it I get labeled as inconsiderate, jealous, mean spirited or a flat out liar. Okay fine. I dont talk about it. But then don't ASK me about it if you dont want to hear my gripes. I move on, but goodness knows I am not going to go out of my way to help said person ever again. And my close friends know that I will attempt to move mountains for the few close friends I have.

The incident is forgotten, by everyone else other then me because I can hold one helluva grudge, and all seems well. Then guess what, it happens again to the new person. People who pu-pued me about my reaction and brushed me off as any of the acronyms above are suddenly up in arms and highly offended that said person could possibly do that to someone! All because they are involved with the betrayal of the person whom had already backstabbed me.

Sounds a bit funny doesn't it? Yet it happens over and over... by my count 5 times since Jr. High. Sometimes I wonder why I even try to help people out.